1

I met you in the ads
5'2", eyes of blue
you didn't tell me you were a Troglodyte!
44 years old, wearing boots with fr-i-i-nge
but you had all your teeth
and you liked KUNG FU!
not to mention KUNG PAU!
and TOFU!

I liked you

but you were actually 4'2"
and you wore boots with fri-i-i-nge
and too much eye makeup
I could take everything but the fri-i-i-nge on your boots

You wrote stories about men loving each other

Starsky and Hutch - doin' it!
Kirk and Spock - doin' it!

I read 'em, and I couldn't believe it
what's next? Riker and Picard?
I know Riker would fuck anything that mo-o-o-o-ved, but Picard?
Don't get me wrong - there's nothing wrong with it
after all, it is the 24th Century.
but why is this middle-aged woman writing about

Starsky and Hutch - doin' it!
Kirk and Spock - doin' it!

I guess I could understand, it's just a stretch
of my O so liberal tendencies
(but I just couldn't get past your boots)

2

I met you in the ads
you said you meditate
you have a mind, you cogitate
You're not a doll, you don't inflate
Let's get together, okay, that's great!

Hey! If it don't rhyme, it ain't Poetry!

I met you at St. Mark's, nervous as hell
drinking a latte and sweating half of it
and you saunter in
Cat-eye glasses and a flannel shirt
Dark hair and grey eyes
You said you just got back from a
two month meditation retreat
Your soul experienced an earthquake
I saw Eric fill your coffee cup// to the brim
and you walked the 25 steps to our table Without
Spilling
A drop.

You burned your mouth, but thanked God for it
Drinking the cup like St. Catherine drank from a bowl pus
drained from the cancerous lesions of her Reverend Mother's breast
so many centuries ago to Learn// to Love// her Enemies.
St. Cathy had a vision of Jesus, and she drank from his wounds
blessed.

I saw you drink in MY wounds, MY pain
but my pain is my own, and I keep it on a tight, tight leash.

I'm sorry it didn't work out
I'm too preoccupied with earthly things, earthly desires
and sex with you would just seem like//
Sacrilege
A sacrifice on the Altar of Desire
A crucifixion
And I just couldn't take the guilt.

3

I met you in the ads
You were upwardly mobile
I'll say
You liked scuba diving
I liked diving too, all sorts of diving
She said you're dark-haired, I like that in a man
I said you're nearly naked, I like that in a woman
With a neckline that plunged past Texas
crossed the border to Mexico without a passport
through Central America and Brazil
with no signs of slowing down///

Antarctica or Bust

I asked for your Visa, but you crossed
without a qualm, with no I.D.
and me with no idea
that you were diseased///

no, not the communicable kind
Nothing like that
You crossed my borders and my barriers
And I put a stop to that when it got too close, too close
(but you even got a piece of that)
It worked out, in a way
Even though each day you were dying
but you're still alive
and that makes me happy.

4

I met you in the ads
A blonde bombshell from Latvia
Your name was Tatjana
(with the predictable images that brought up)
like Tijuana, Botswana, Marijuana
You walked off the pages of some fashion mag
I'd marry you just to look at you
I did the predictable thing
Put you on a pedestal with a lampshade on your head
and called you my guiding light
my one and only
'cause I'm lonely
And you are too beautiful to believe

I want to put you in my back pocket, like a rabbit's foot
and caress you occasionally for good luck
But that was wrong
you weren't 2-dimensional
or a maimed animal part well-placed for my divinations
my machinations
my incantations
You wouldn't stand still, and the light wavered and shook
the lampshade fell, and the pedestal broke
she said,"I need you// to see me// the way// I am.

And I did
And we lived happily ever after///
Until we broke up.
I met you in the ads
It could be you
Any one of you.