gordian Nov 26, 2007 - 20:59 PM
...and we see the cycles in our lives and the cutting point where once we could do no wrong, and the steep cliffside where we cannot do one thing right. How long do we wait for that moment? At what threshold do we throw the towel, give in? I am fascinated with defeat. But, really, what I am fascinated with is: courage in the face of impending defeat. The ability to say fuck all in the face of doom. 'I loved that which broke me...' It's a romantic notion, to hope beyond all hope, one in which I am trying to disabuse myself of. "...and where were you when you realized that you had to guard against the world?
wondering if your feeble limbs could grow courageous?
and what age were you when you resigned, and took up the plow of an everyday life,
brushing aside past dreams to a place called Enough?
and where were you when you rose in vertical velocity to overcome adversity,
and fell against a world with timeless patience eroding willfulness like rust?..." What does not serve me I must get rid of. Fight the impulse to render myself hopeless or helpless, and rise above. To really go for it and cast myself in the armour of courage and defeat the monsters that dwell within. "I tell you my secret histories
unveil my open wounds
display the soul nebulae
the birthplace of scars" I strive in life to do what's right. Even when amassed in front of me is the mob. I remember once I was at this movie theatre. I had arrived early to this showing to get the perfect seat, 40 minutes early to a first showing of a very popular movie. And this witch shows up 10 minutes late and wants me to move over a seat, a whole row of people to move over a seat, so she didn't have to sit in the front row corner. And I was so mad. I said no. And she said, I just want to sit next to my child. And I was thinking, don't hide behind your kid, you should have gotten here earlier. What I said was "There's plenty of seats in the front row." I think that really burned her up because she got the usher. And he asked me if the seat next to me was taken, and I said no. And so he asked if everyone (half a row of people) could move over one seat. And I said, 'I'm not moving over, she comes in late and expects to get a good seat? At this movie! C'mon! And he responds, "I have the authority to remove anyone from this theater. Will you please move over one seat?" Remember, the theater was packed. And alot of people, I know, just wanted me to move over already. And so I weighed what it would cost me to move over one seat versus being thrown out of the theater. And, well, I moved over. ;) It was such a fucking good movie, and one seat over was still an awesome viewing experience. A minor inconvenience for a major movie experience. I know you expected me to say I stood up to her and the usher, and maybe in different circumstances I would have, but in this case I didn't. I stood up to a point, a decision point, and then I caved. But it was alright. I lost nothing, and still made my point. Afterwards some people came up to me and said that they didn't want to move either. That she came in late and deserved to sit in the front corner, child or no. Shit, you go out in public you have to expect the mob, random ill- behavior and group-think. To stand up against it even a little bit is courageous - just make your point, no need to be an asshole. And so, yeah, it's one of those moments, string enough of them together and you can start to be proud of yourself.
Back to Diary |
Email